Dear Asian Guy Who Cut My Hair,

This is the beginning of my perpetual depression. Things that have happened in the last 72 hours:

1) Hair is no longer long and luscious. I tell this guy, "Just a trim please. More layers, and I'd like to keep the length." What does he do? CUTS OFF 4 FUCKING INCHES. My hair used to be down to my waist now it barely goes over my boobs. He tried making me look like the girl at the front desk. This is what happens when you visit Asians y'all. This man is my enemy. I feel increasingly resentful each time I look in the mirror. I look like a boy.

2) Hair straightener is dunzo. Just as I was beginning to use it again, and because I'm desperately trying to make the most out of my hair.. it breaks. The plates aren't heating up, I stuck my mouth on it a few hours ago and made sure it was broken.

3) Boyfriend and I aren't speaking. OK, I'm lying. I'm actually still speaking to him, it's just him who chooses to read-and-not-reply my BBM's. Rude. RUDESKIES.

4) Boyfriend and I are fighting. Over what you ask? Over the fact that I'm missing his singing group's performance in order to go to one of my best friend's birthday parties. I wanna say "Man up," but he was seriously so mad last night.. The infamous line from last night's conversation is "Even if you change your mind later on, don't come. Don't FUCKING come." Aight, if you insist..

5) I skipped school today. Yes, OK.. That is technically my fault, as it is under my control, but a lot of things happened ten minutes prior to me leaving the house. E.g. printer shutting down, the whole lumberjack shirt + short hair dilemma, my mother wanting to spoon-feed me vermicelli..

I'm actually sooo choked about my hair. I was putting on this plain off-the-shoulder top today, and thought to myself.. If I still had long hair, I would have curled it and made this top a lot less plain than it really is. But since I have short, boyish, un-curlable locks, there is no way that that top had a chance in hell of being cute.

It's one of those days where I'm just like FUCK MY LIFE. 

Update

Chu is saving the day by dropping off one of her hair straighteners tomorrow morning. Thank you, lesbian partner. *kiss kiss*

Boyfriend and I finally spoke. He was unimpressed. He thinks that I'm stupid/a shitty girlfriend for skipping out on his ***really important*** (Babe, if you're reading this, I'm not mocking you) performance, to go to one of my best girl's birthday, whom I have known for over 15 years of my life, with our intimate group of friends whom I have also known for over 15 years of my life.

Ummm... OK, baby. I guess the honeymoon phase is over.

Whatevs.. I'm going to a fiesta tomorrow!!!

XXOO, my loves.

Have a great weekend, party hard until the real schoolwork comes along!

Just gotta say

My boyfriend is the sweetest.. and I really like him.

Just saying.

thoughts

Run your life or it will run you.

It's true when they say letting go is not a one time thing. It's an everyday thing that needs to be done several times before you're at peace with yourself. I miss her to pieces. I found myself wondering where she was earlier today, only to realize that she's gone. I don't like to think about it lest the thought of all the alternative outcomes if something hadn't gone a certain way, or if someone had been there at a certain time. Life goes on. It's the circle of life. I blame no one. I'll remember her always, this I'm sure and have been reassured by many pet-owners who have gone with through the same ordeal. Death is a part of life. Everyone has their problems, it's the only matter of how you deal with them.

Be strong, carry on y'all. Defeat is only temporary, giving up is what makes it permenant.

projectile vomit

my heart died on sunday night
estimated time of death is 6pm
i miss her dearly

"i'm sorry for your loss"
"i can only imagine how you feel"
what do i say?
"thank you"?
"yes, i feel truly horrible"?

i shouldn't be so resentful,
the people around me don't know how to deal with my sadness
as much as i don't know how to deal with death.

i don't know what mourning is like

i hate work.. oh my god.. i fucking hate work.
the people i work for are such insensitive fucks
i could give a rat's ass about customer service at the moment
i'm doing my job the best i can.
i'm ready to walk out anyday now

my health is going down the drain
i have no appetite
i can't sleep
i have been sick for weeks..

there are far too many "what ifs"
and "couldve beens"
it's all too depressing to dwell upon

i know we all blame ourselves for what happened
sudden death is by far the worst way to say goodbye
the absolute worst
what i'm saying?
it's not saying goodbye at all
it's more like
whoosh
and you're gone
and then just layers and layers of regret and turmoil

i wish people would calmly fuck off
and leave me alone.
stop suggesting that i replace my dead dog
stop asking me what happened
stop telling me how i should and shouldn't feel
stop.

i have yet to spend a day alone and mourn by myself.
even the day she passed, my boyfriend came to see me
i don't blame him
but i'm not gonna lie
i held back my sobs until i got back into my house

i'm so sick of putting on this front
so that everybody thinks i'm okay
and we can continue talking about boy problems
as though they are world issues

i'm a hypocrite
just a week ago i was talking about the very same trivial issues
yet at this moment in the time
i'm not particularly interested.

i'm aware that there are far worse things
then waking up and finding your puppy lying dead in a room all by herself,
i am very aware.
but are you?

everyone keeps telling me how strong i am
am i really?
maybe i'm just good at maintaining this pretense
when indeed, all my strings have come undone
and my insides have finally collapsed in a miserable heap
my heart being at the very bottom of that heap.

my entire family is in mourning
we are barely capable of comforting ourselves
let alone eachother

the silence in this house is deafening

and although her possessions have been put away
i look around this house and think to myself,

something is missing.

I hear they're coming for me, because being at the top gets quite lonely

12 days till Christmas. (Cue music.)

A little high off the glass of red wine I just knocked back (for the perfect siesta, I assure you I'm not an alcoholic), I'm typing to you.. my global community. After several nights of sleeping in the AM's (when I say AM, I mean 6AM to be exact) my skin has become a display of my nasty habits, in happy matrimony with my mild rosacea, panda eyes and puffy eyebags.

Also, why is it everytime I need to buy something online, my mother and I get into a fight.. Coincidence? I think not.

I feel like I've hit an impasse. I'm getting questioned.. "Where have you been?" "Are we drifting?" "I feel like you're too busy for me lately.." I have answers to these questions, but not necessarily the most truthful or the right ones for that matter.

I can't decide whether it's the cabin fever that's taken its toll on me.. or if it's really me acting like a spinny bitch. I would hope it isn't the latter.. but if it is, I know why.

All I really have to say on this ordeal (an extremely trivial one at that), is Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. I will expand at another point in time.

All I want for Christmas is.. black Lita's, those lace-up wedges from UO, and a merry fucking Christmas. I'd like to extend the last one to everyone I know. xox!

Hmm.. it's almost 5:30AM. I'm definitely going to hate myself in the morning.

.. and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.*

I'm a motherfucken monster

For the past week, I've been on what Chu has deemed "honeymoon phase", and this bitch had to ruin it all. Ok. I take the B-word back. I'm going to try avoid dropping any F-bombs either..

I'm just annoyed because I really don't care to be patronized, or lied to for that matter. PLEASE. Trying to explain yourself is kind of a clear indicator of a guilty conscience. Frankly, I'm insulted that you'd even bother trying.. ugh.. Please go away.

You act like you're just some innoccent bystander.. SMH girl.. just be real.. If not, just gtfo..

Fuck a fake bitch, she ain't even real.
So why believe she's your friend?

possibly one of the most unselfish things I've ever done

I let you go

ttyn..