The U in my Universe

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday,

but I realized some bigger dreams of mine. 

xx, k

I miss your smile,

but I miss mine even more.

xx, k

Wanting to go back to what was, is just a lie.

A trick that we play on ourselves, to avoid painful change.

xx, k

You were my cup of tea. Now I'm drinking coffee.

"Be accountable for the words you say to someone who is knowingly in love with you. A breakup doesn't mean go and see what else is out there with the expectation that they will wait for you. Don’t put your sorry ass back in their life with your self-serving baggage. You’re confusing them. You’re being hurtful—with every conversation, every late night meetup, every intimate moment." 

- Chelle Morgan

You ready?

"What u want? Universe is rdy."

xx, 

k 

2.0

"He can go fuck himself."

"You know what? His ego is so big that I bet you if he could, he would." 

xx, k

Honey.

“You'll find another." 

"God! Banish the thought. Why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having she'd have waited for you'?" 

"No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

Extremes

"It's not over until the whole building is on fire, the walls are crumbling down to pieces, and all that's left is ash."

xx, k 

no Lies, just Love

"How do you know when it's over?"

"Maybe when you're more in love with the memories than the person standing in front of you."

xx, k 

The places you've come to hate the most

I can't even count the number of unfinished posts that are tucked away on this blog. Lately, I tend to start things and not finish them... commitment issues? Something I never thought I had a problem with, but now I'm really beginning to think so.

I'd also like to start pimpin' out my posts with pretty pictures and all that, but with all these questions about dimensions and blah blah blah uploading thing--it makes me miss the goold ol' Xanga days.. that shit was easy peasy lemon squeezy! What is this???

Anyways.. back on topic with my commitment issues (I always thought Andy was the one with that problem--ha ha..), I think it's for cereal. When it comes down to hobbies I've tried comitting myself to in the past, piano and swimming, it's always been a struggle for me. Piano and I never really got along, I'm not one of those gifted Asian girls and sadly, my mom's constant nagging and fighting with me really made me grow to hate it. Swimming is probably the one thing that not everyone does.. but I'm hella lazy, and even though I was a "good swimmer" when I was younger, the thought of swimming competitively gives me the creeps. I remember always pretending I had my period during swim meets because I fucking hated competition, even as practice during swim club. Fuck that shit... !

For the first week and half that I got back from Toronto, I was all emo and wanting to gtfo of Vancouver. Andy told me it was just me being a downer, Winda says I have post-vacation syndrom.. and that everything will go back to normal within a few weeks. It's been three weeks and the feeling of leaving is getting me all giddy again. I'm not going to say I hate Vancouver, this place is beautiful.. despite the sporadic rain/snow/sunshine/hail/heavy winds/fog. I can't express enough how much I love Stanley Park, especially within the last few weeks. I swear, in one week, I've been there at least four times. Just sitting on the seawall and enjoying the skyline really makes me feel proud for being born and bred here in this gorgeous city. Especially after the Winter Olympics, when Canadian pride was at its peak, I should be loving what Vancouver has to offer.

There's something about meeting new people in this city though, that reminds me of its size and social atmosphere. It reminds of society's demands and norms.. it reminds me how sometimes I feel like living here is a little exhausting, really repetitive, and extremely sheltered and spoiled.

One of my friend's came up with the term "emotionally spoiled", referring to me when we were discussing me moving to Toronto for a year. Everything I want and need is all within arm's reach. I have my friends to love me even when I don't love myself, I have their constant support and flow of constructive criticism in whatever I choose to do--Vancouver is where I have everything. I don't know what it's like to be alone.. at least not completely, utterly alone. I don't know what it's like to depend on nobody but myself. I don't completely understand the meaning of being able to "take care of myself" (as my mom most commonly points out). I don't even know what kind of crazy antics I'm capable of getting myself into with full and irrevocable responsibility. There's so much out there that's unknown to me, completely untouched. I'm starting to feel like my life's just mediocre, which I know is wrong. I'm blessed, blessed beyond words.. especially here in my little nook filled with looove. It's really got me wondering...

is the grass greener on the other side?

When I say otherside, I literally mean eastern Canada. Top of my debate list..

uno vlog

My life

xo.

A friend of mine said

Hardest thing people have to do is learn to let people into their life.

#truth

It's called Self-Love

I wanna. I wanna. I gotta be adored.

So my boyfriend and I recently admitted that we are falling in love with each other.

"We're definitely on our way," as he puts it.

Half of me is exhilerated--shouldn't we all aim to be that brutally honest and openly suspectible to love? I always thought love's Nirvana would be described as a place where nobody is keeping score anymore. A place where you're free to stand ontop of a street bench and tell the whole world how much you love your significant other; where all trust issues simply dissipate.

I would be so happy just having that. For a (premature) period of time, my greatest fear growing up was to one day wake up next to the wrong person. I'd turn next to me and wonder, "Where's the love of my life?"

But of course, nothing in life works out accordingly. We can't all have what we want. The cynic in the back of my head recognizes the boundaries between sheer fantasy and reality. We can't all have the fairytale wedding and the happy marriage. Part of me is in love with the idea of love; its many manifestations and the promise that it is indeed what gives life purpose.

The other part of me is mortified.

"What's your favourite thing about me?"

"Your personality."

"Single life is the good life until you meet someone who shows you the better life."

For the moment, I can believe

everything's gonna be alright.

Tainted love

Some people love tarnished silver.
They find it gives character; a uniqueness that is only possible through time.

Some people hate it. They consider it a form of aging; of perpetual decay. It is when stark perfection comes to a halt and we realize--nothing remains perfect forever.

I, for one, adore tarnished silver. Oxidization is a friend of mine.

Je pense/a l'avenir

Still waiting on that call. If this is a strategy to make me want this job more than I actually do, then damn girl. She is a dentist and her own boss for a reason.

I'm deliriously happy that I'm at home at three in the afternoon, with half the day ahead of me to study alone. Solitude is my means of rejuvenation.

I am not a fan of those who feel they have the right to make certain claims about my life. Remember where you stand in my life; as a friend, not my mother.

I'm really disappointed in my performance at school. I am further discouraged by my peers' attitudes. Competition and jealousy brings out the ugliest in humanity. I cannot stress how not impressed I am with how some people carry themselves in the equally revealing occasions of triumph and defeat. You think you know some people.

I could go on forever about school. I miss my friends. They carpool everyday together; those simple everyday encounters are so important these days.

On the other hand, I feel as though if I got into UBC, I'd be doing it to prove something. And that's not how I want to live my life; doing things to please others. I want to make myself happy on my own terms. I have yet to apply. My average is a B/B+ as of right now (or so I think). I have no idea whether this is worthy of the prestigious (and elitist) character that is the University of British Columbia and all of its followers. I have been increasingly reluctant towards the entire process of applying. My only sense of gratification would be found in the approval of others; the seamless nod that I am fitting into society's conception of the status quo. It makes me sick. It makes me even sicker watching friends and strangers do the things they were told to do, only to find themselves in a perpetual search for a potential passion in the collegiate curriculum.

The anticipation to be free from academic responsibility and into the world of luscious grass and sunshine is killing me. I am stoked on swimming again. I'm not gonna lie; those one week crash courses were brutal but so fulfilling at the same time.

I also can't wait to get out of the city. I made the (this is going to come out nothing but bitchy) mistake of asking too many people to join me in my little withdrawal from the real world. It has landed me in a position where my plans now revolve around them; the selfish aspect of my retreat is gone. Excess enthusiasm has generated so much unnecessary resentment. Trust me, I smh at myself for being such a self-centered bitch about it and creating my own problems at the same time.

I'm taking Math 12 again. AND I'M GOING TO MAKE IT MY BITCH. Some people think it's a sucky situation, but I feel like math is important; I should really put my time and effort into it. Despite everything we did in highschool to avoid it, math is important. And most of all, math is a contributing factor to my future. No PR consultant is going to get out of learning how to do stats..

Lastly, I want to read. The luxury of time is at my hands this summer, and I will honour it by reading.

That is all.    

Too blessed to be stressed

butterflies. sweet kisses. deep kisses. Asian kisses. tummy rubs. neck nuzzles. face nuzzling. biting, lots of biting. swoon (the scarlett ohara kind). lift me off my feet--literally. piggy backs that lead to near choking. laughter. smile. kiss. shake hands. hold hands. hold both hands. hug. squeeze (attempt to suffocate). tickle. laugh. laugh. laugh. wrestle. fight. yell. hurt. dislike. the simple act of giving a shit... no more yelling. long talks. sleepless nights [on the phone]. the world is finally at peace.. rise and grind.  smile. sunshine (even when it's not sunny). blessed. rejoice. happy.  rinse, repeat.